Tragedy does something to one's brain. May 16th 2011 to January 22nd 2012 is mostly a blur. I have to look at calendars to remember dates and I believe it kicked off my need to be very organized. When I found out my brother had died I clung to every detail trying to make sense of it all. I couldn't. I still can't. Every now and then I take a piece out from a box deep down in the recesses of my brain and examine a detail, a minute speck, roll it around in my head, try to stick it in a puzzle place that doesn't quite fit. This usually lasts a few days until I get fed up and tuck it back into the box. (And mentally slam the box and kick it a few times too.)
My life provides a wonderful distraction from these fits of confusion and sadness, so I tell myself that one day I will solve this great mystery. One day I will figure out exactly how and why and then I will know. But that day is not today.
Today, I can share something at least a little positive.
Those first 6-8 months or so I pretty much survived because of a few key people. Others have swooped in since and each time I remember to thank them, the moment escapes me. Most of the time it's just too damn sad. So today, a week before the third anniversary of my brother's accident, I'd like to acknowledge a handful of people.
I slumped my way through the first months and have already made my apologies to those who were on the wrong end of my grief. For the most part, I have been met with such love and understanding that I am continuously floored.... If they even read this blog, they know who they are and I still hold your kindness close to my heart.
When the news made it's way to me that afternoon, I called two people. Betsy-- the closest thing I've ever had to a sister, and Skip-- one of my closest friends. They both have brothers and I knew they would both be heart broken, but they were exactly the right people to help absorb some of the pain and shock. I have no idea if I ever thanked them... I know they never expected to be thanked either.
The details of their help and love fade in and out of focus, but they are always with me, reminding me that I am not alone. Pat and Mike, Abbi and Betsy, Ashley and of course my little bro Michael. My second family. They help me cling to happier times and remember how very lucky we are to have even one of those amazing memories together.
Skip and Matt held my hands (and probably my hair too) while I navigated through a life of loss. They were by my side. I did not make it easy for them, but they stood strong, picked me up and helped me learn to be still at least some of the time.
I have no idea when I actually talked to my college best friends... Another detail that has been lost long ago, but I do remember Adrienne's voicemail. I remember Matt's confident words of support. I remember them being there for me when my life had crumbled apart years earlier and knowing that I could count on them through another crisis, even if death is a much harder pill to swallow than divorce.
I have no memory of an actual thank you... A call? A card? Anything? But they make my list every time I allow myself to dive back in time. Words from afar that nestle very close to my heart.
And last for this blog are two of my mom's friends. Cindy and Darlene.
I remember talking with Cindy at some point while I was home and her calm, no b.s. attitude always brought me back down to earth. I remember feeling confident that if my mom, my parents had friends like her around, they might also survive.
A little over a month later, I went to a friend's wedding. Looking back, this was probably not the best idea in my state of shock, but Darlene was there. She stepped in and reminded me that it was OK to have a little fun. That at some point, all of us have dealt with our own set of tragedies and the people around you are there to help keep you off the floor. I don't remember what all we talked about, I don't remember if I ever thanked her or Bud. But whatever she said to me kept me upright for most of that evening and that feeling is still with me today.
My list could continue for weeks... My dear friends and family never cease to amaze me and how they can handle all that is thrust upon them just for being a part of my life. To all of you-- Susannah, for crying with me over mashed potatoes and Flaming Lips... Nina and Ashley, for staying so close even hundreds of miles away... Adam, for your words and memories... Beth, for sharing your loss and letting me know that I am not alone, And of course my husband, (who should really just get his own damn blog entry)... Thank you. And everyone else who I did not mention by name... for the messages, the texts, the calls, the cards, the continued love and support, the memories... I am eternally grateful.
"I get by with a little help from my friends..."
